If you're struggling with your partner's disorganization, it might be tempting to jump in and throw out the clutter and organize his or her stuff. Your partner will see what organization looks like and will be inspired to maintain it plus you will reap the benefits of having a tidy space - except it doesn't work that way. Your partner will be angry because you threw something that was important (you didn't think so, but it was her/his stuff and therefore her/his call), your partner may very well feel devalued by your efforts, and that new organizing system may be confusing and difficult to maintain because your partner did not participate in it's creation. In short: don't go there. If your partner's disorganization is an issue, then it's important to address it in a respectful way.
1) Nurture empathy. Often the neat partner in
a relationship feels that she is in the right and the spouse’s disorganization
is due to laziness, defiance or apathy. What one partner might see as
opposition may in fact be a difference in values and priorities. There
may be significant differences in how each of the partners experiences the
world, and each person may have different strengths and weaknesses.
2) Deal with the elephant. Rather
than let resentment bubble and boil, talk about it. Be calm and use “I”
language (I feel stress when I have to look for an important bill that is
buried in the stack). Be respectful of your spouse’s opinion. It will take
effort from both partners to arrive at a solution that is agreeable to each
of them. Please do not throw away your spouse’s thing without consent; it’s
very disrespectful.
3) Declutter together. It could
be that your spouse needs some different decluttering strategies other
than the traditional, logically ones. Ones to try:
a. Friends, acquaintances, and strangers: Keep the
items that are “friends” and let the “acquaintances” and “strangers” go.
b. Take photos of items: Sometimes
it’s helpful to take a photo of an item before letting it go.
c. Ambivalence box: When someone is truly
ambivalent about an item, box it up and put an “expiration date” on the box.
d. Create a shrine: Create a display of a few
things that represent an important person or event in your life so everything
doesn’t have to be kept.
e. Does this thing need you?
Sometimes it helps to switch the question around to gain perspective.
4) Organize together. Let aesthetics take a back seat to
functionality. It will be easier to maintain a space if the functionality works
for both partners.
a. Everything needs a home.
b. Locate items where they are used.
c. Label everything. Go beyond the physical
label – name the space (examples: this is my art cabinet, this is the reading
corner, and this is entertainment room).
d.
Containerize.
A simple container helps create a boundary in addition to keeping a lot
of loose items together.
5) Maintain and celebrate. Maintenance takes less time than the
initial organizing. Maintenance rules can simplify the process. Celebrate
together your success and gently examine the setbacks.
a. Schedule the maintenance.
b. Have checklists.
c. Set a certain size limit to trigger culling. The size
can be the number of items or the physical size of a container.
d. One in and one out.
Working together will require effort and changes from both partners.
Communication skills will be strengthened. Stick with it and you will clear
clutter and develop an organizing system that makes sense to both partners –
and will last longer than wallpaper.
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